A Creative Journey

New Website

2011-06-18T12:37:00.004-04:00

It's been a while, but I've been busy...sort of.

I have a new website with my own domain name! Yay!

AmbtheCreative is sort of live. I'm still messing with the design. Don't be surprised if the theme changes every now and then. I just can't decide. And once I can afford it, I'll get a professional custom design made.

I have big plans for that website, much bigger than I originally expected when I signed up a blogger account.

But I refuse to make promises I don't keep, so I'll show what I'll be doing over the next weeks/months.

I've already transferred all the blog posts from here over there, so check it out. Expect more updates, more stories and just more.

Not sure what to do with this blog now. Can I delete it? I don't know. I kind of grown attached to my blogger, even if I never updated.

I'll keep it around for the meantime.

Let me know what you think. I love hearing from readers.

Till next time!

Why I Can't Give Up My Writing Dream

2011-03-08T06:37:00.005-04:00

I had a very interesting dream last night.

I met a psychologist/therapist person who basically asked me of my problems and what I was afraid of, etc. I told him of my experiences with the military and something about how I hated to do tests and they made me do tests I didn't want to do. (I guess this could be interpreted as simply they told me to do things I had no interest or desire to do).

Then I told him about my goal to be a full time writer. This is the most important part of the dream.

He told me that I should do it only as a hobby, that he didn't see me achieving this goal because I didn't have a good enough reason or I simply didn't have it in me to do it. That I just wasn't a writer.

I got really emotional and kept telling him lots of reasons of why, not that I could, HAD to do it. One of them was that even if I did something else for a living, I would still make up stories, they were a part of who I was. I love them that much. I'd create them for free.

But the best reason was the reason I gave him right before I woke up to my 6:00am alarm.

I said, very passionate at this point, that if I could do achieve this goal, that even if the small possibility existed that I could overcome my weaknesses, overcome my anxieties, my flaws, eliminate all my bad habits, if I could change and actually make it happen, then it would be worth it and be a goddamn shame if I gave up this opportunity for real personal growth.

Or something like that. I think it was better said in the dream. Basically the idea of how it would positively change my life was so great that it was worth it even if it would be difficult or near impossible. The benefit of overcoming all these personal obstacles was greater than even the pleasure of writing and that was the reason I should never give up on it.

It would be a real achievement and a statement on what I can do and what was possible.

As I pulled myself out of bed after this very enlightening dream, two phrases or affirmations came to mind that I plan on repeating to myself often.

"If everything in life was easy, nothing would be fun."

"Discomfort and pain are a part of life, so embrace both."

And that pretty much sets the tone for this glorious day.

How to Travel Back in Time and use it to change your life.

2011-03-05T23:43:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I've updated. I've been sort of all over the place and didn't want to make another post until I found some focus. For some reason I don't seem to follow through with anything that I say I want to do.

Now is no exception.

I've been overwhelmed with stress and anxiety lately. I seem to fail at balancing work, school, writing and life, especially when something happens. Like in this case when my car starts failing on me while suffering financial difficulties.

But I finally "woke up" from my insanity of anxiety and depression thanks to a cognitive therapy book, and while I was studying it, I was hit with a big epiphany.

It's so big, I feel the need to share it. I thought this was the best way to do that.

So here I am.

This idea I came across is similar to something I learned from Tony Robbins's program, Personal Power 2 (the "Dickens Pattern") and something I remember hearing from the documentary "What The Bleep Do We Know?" about how theoretically we can remember the future (which I never really understood). This also probably comes from the saying "Live each day like its your last" and so on.

It all started when I started daydreaming how it would be if I could go back in time when I was in back in High School and mom was still alive. I still remember everything from now. I would imagine what I would say and do to all my classmates and what I'd say and do with my mom, knowing she'd be gone in a few years. How I would spend my time. How I'd focus more on my future. Etc.

I'm really good at daydreaming. I have a powerful imagination and very good at visualization. So this was quite entertaining.

Eventually, I stopped myself, telling myself I was wasting my time, that it's not possible, that the past is gone and I must focus on the present.

But then I kept drifting back to that alluring daydream and I wondered how cool it would be if I could go back in time.

Then the idea hit me like a ton of bricks.

The scenario I imagined of what I would say and do if I could go back in time felt the exact same as if I was remembering an event that actually happened in the past.

So, if it was the same...then maybe I can trick myself into thinking I actually DID go back in time...by "remembering" an imagined future. Because the past and future don't really exist. Or rather, we only experience those things in our minds.

So why can't we imagine made up pasts or future events?

I just imagine the absolute worst happened. Everything I've ever dreaded, all the source of all my anxiety, actually happened. I flunked out of school. My younger brother got into drugs and died. My older brother cut all ties with me. I became bankrupt or am still working at fast food. I became fat, ugly and I accomplished none of my dreams. I live in an abandoned ruin with no water or light.

And I end it with getting cancer and dying in agony by myself with no one caring.

Then I imagine that I woke up and I am sitting exactly where I am. That somehow I was transported back in time to that exact moment.

Knowing what I know now, knowing what "will" happen if I don't get my life in shape or keep taking the things I have for granted, I can now right all those wrongs because I have "traveled through time."

My mood jumped through the roof. My little brother wasn't annoying anymore. I felt so goddamn grateful. And more importantly, I lost all anxiety. I had no time to be depressed or anxious when life was so damn good at this glorious time.

I thought this was amazing. I MUST use this. And I felt like I should share it.

So here's me sharing.

There ya go.

*shares with the Internet*

Character Sacrifices = Greatness

2010-11-21T10:43:00.008-04:00

I've noticed this often and have said it a few times, but never in detail or on this blog. Mostly because I was too chicken to use what I think is the greatest example of what I'm about to talk about. And what am I about to talk about?

Sacrifices.

But not personal sacrifices, which I also think are a big part of the writing journey, but sacrifices in stories and movies.

Has anyone noticed that really amazing stories have characters that make a huge sacrifice in the end? And the bigger the sacrifice, the better the story?

The following contains some spoilers to really awesome stories.

You have been warned.

In Lord of the Rings, we have Frodo's sacrifice of, well, his sanity. Also the other hobbits sacrifice their innocence, and Gandalf sacrificed his life in the first book/movie (yeah, okay, I never finished reading the books), and so forth.

In Harry Potter, we have...well we have a whole ton of sacrifices, but for me what really hit home was Snape's sacrifice. What did he sacrifice? Read/watch to find out.

In Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, my favorite of the three, Jack Sparrow was sacrificed in the end (okay true, it didn't look like he had a choice, but I think he was fine with that end).

In the Night Angel Trilogy's third book, Beyond the Shadows by Brent Weeks (well okay, not so famous, but I think it's AMAZING), Dorian, Kylar, Durzo, Elene, etc made sacrifices in the end. And Dorian, my favorite character, made the biggest sacrifice*. Coincidence, I think not!

In Ptolemy's Gate, another personal favorite and the final book of the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud, Nathaniel makes a huge sacrifice at the end. I bawled like a baby at the end of that story.

And the list goes on.

But there is one character, one story, one sacrifice that could be considered the greatest ever.

Two words.

Jesus Christ.

Now, for the record, I'm not debating whether or not it's fact or fiction. I'm not even Christian, but still believe the possibility of it being true. But that's not the point. The point is, this story has been around for thousands of years. It may not be the oldest story, but I would definitely bet it's the oldest most famous story of all time.

And why? Because if you actually do think it's true, if you actually believed that this guy, who was absolute good, was tortured and murdered to save the world, that it ACTUALLY happened and with your knowledge/experience of how everyday people actually are....

It becomes one of the biggest sacrifices in history. An overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for this person washes over everyone. A whole religion is built around this sacrifice and people buy his book by the billions.

That's what sacrifices can do.

Why do you think Gandhi, John Lennon, Martin Luther King and the many others who have sacrificed time, energy, reputation, dignity and/or their own lives for worthy causes are so loved long after their untimely deaths? For their great achievements of course, but they made a difference because they made monumental sacrifices for what they believed in.

Now we humans are often....well, lazy, selfish cowards. I know I am.

So we only see these great acts of sacrifice once in a blue moon, which probably makes them even more attractive. So we get our fix of these sacrifices from fiction and maybe this is a good thing. Maybe these stories can inspire real people to come forth and make personal sacrifices (like time, energy, reputation, personal pleasures, sense of security, etc) to make this world a better place (and hopefully next time we can appreciate their bravery and passion BEFORE we kill them and you know...NOT kill them).

So I encourage all writers and screenwriters, do your worse to your characters! Make them self-sacrificing heroes! Rape them, torture them, and kill them for the greater good!

It makes one hell of a story.

*About Beyond the Shadows: Big Spoilers here because I want to rant for a bit about this story. STOP READING NOW IF YOU WANT TO READ THE NIGHT ANGEL TRILOGY BY BRENT WEEKS.

You have been warned.

Dorian's was the biggest sacrifice because he didn't HAVE to do anything and he lost EVERYTHING.

Kylar had no choice, Durzo was all emo giving up the ka'kari and then dying, Elene gave up her life (and that of her unborn child) way too happily.

Meanwhile, Dorian pretty much saved the world for absolutely NO GAIN and he didn't have to do CRAP. Hell, a heroic death would have been preferable. Or he could have just stayed far far away from all this insanity, but NO he felt he had to use his power for good and pay for what he did, despite what happened HAD to happen (If he hadn't become the next Godking, then how would all the armies be at the right place at the right time?).

And what did he get in return? Insanity. He's a drooling idiot now and no one will ever realize the extent of what he did save for a tiny few. He can't even enjoy the world he helped save. I love him so much! SEE! We love SACRIFICES! We're masochistic, sadistic bastards!

And I love it!

Have Unshakable Faith

2010-11-20T08:28:00.005-04:00

I love how even though I may be failing my goals, procrastinating like crazy, and just not getting anything done, I can watch myself and still learn lessons from my mistakes even as I make them.

For example, I realized that, for me, having faith in myself is crucial. If I don't think that eventually I will make it, that my writing and stories are worth it, then I won't write. Or it's like pulling teeth and I stop early to plunge myself into the pit of despair that is my bed.

Faith has a lot to do with real life as well. Faith has gotten me through the dark times after my mother died. And it was a stupid faith, really. A tiny little belief that no matter how bad it is, I can change it. I can still make my amazing dreams come true no matter what.

When I say faith, I don't mean religion. Though, I guess it is a bit spiritual.

It's like magic almost. By believing, even if I have no evidence to support it, that I am something, can do something, will be and have something, and it's only a matter of time before that happens, everything becomes much easier.

It's easier to breathe. It's easier to get up in the morning. It's easier to smile.

Often, that feeling is good enough. I don't even need for it to actually happen, the feeling is enough. But I will get up and take actions to make it happen, strengthening my faith. If I don't, my faith wavers and inactivity and unhappiness ensues.

I think that's key. I have to take action without every REALLY knowing if I'm going to make it or if my dreams are going to come true. Focusing on the current moment where I am actually taking action and making things happen does something wonderful.

It takes away the worry, the stress, and desire to procrastinate.

I feel like my dream has already come true, and that's the most important thing.

I encourage everyone to seek that state, that feeling that it's already happened. I am a writer (or whatever it is you want to be). I am living the life I have always dreamed of. And do the things you would do if as if you really were living that life.

True, there are somethings you can't change right away. I know I would LOVE to leave my current job and move to the USA right now. I mean, if it's my dream life, that would be two of the things that would happen. Of course, at the moment, my faith isn't strong enough to believe that I can actually do that without starving to death.

So instead, I will focus on what I CAN do. If I were the person I've always craved to be, what would she do first thing in the morning? What would she eat? What would she write? What would her day look like? How would she treat herself and others?

I may not be able to control certain things, but I can control my behavior, attitude and state of mind. And if I can control these things, then I control my life.

It starts with having faith in myself.

Music = Instant Inspiration (just press play)

2010-11-08T17:56:00.004-04:00

I'm writing this as I'm sitting at a laundromat doing my laundry and getting some work done. I got my headphones one, listening to "Summer 78" from the Good Bye Lennin! Soundtrack by Yann Tiersen on my iPod. And I have to say, I don't know how I'd be able to get anything done without music.

I'm pretty sure I have ADD or just have an easily distracted mind, and music helps me focus on a point. Sometimes, when I have a particular scene to write and have the perfect song that evokes the perfect feeling for it, I put it on repeat and let it play over and over till I'm barely even registering the music as I type, lost in the movie in the mind.

Sometimes, when you go to see a movie, you don't even notice the music. It sort of blends in with the plot. And I always noticed that when you listen to a soundtrack without seeing the movie, the effect is less than after you see the movie. The emotions behind the music become clearer and it's like a natural high.

Well, for me anyways. I'm crazy like that.

I have plenty of playlists. Tons even. I have playlists that share the same songs except for maybe a few. Each categorized not just by novel or story, but by mood. I have an angry list, an action list, a dramatic moment list, an emotional list. And when I don't know what I need for the moment, I just hit shuffle and discover forgotten gems.

I wonder how many others also use music as a way to invoke inspiration when it doesn't come naturally. For me, I need movie music, which are pretty much DESIGNED to evoke emotion. But the good dramatic, emotional rock song or classical music by J.S. Bach works for me as well.

So what about you? What music do you listen to when writing/working?

NaNoWriMo Survival Kit

2010-11-01T08:50:00.006-04:00

Happy NaNoWriMo!

Or what I like to call, when writing is fun day!

Lately, I've been focusing way too much on "OMG I MUST GET PUBLISHED" and honestly, I'm not even close to that stage yet. I can't even keep a blog updated every couple of months. So starting...yesterday (hey, I'm a work on progress), I will be updating every Sunday. If I can update once a week and my blog is actually benefiting other people, then I shall be the professional I wish to be and update on more days.

Deal? Good.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again, but I have this feeling this time will be better than 2009. I feel motivated as I was in 2008, which is good since that is my first and only NaNo win. The project shall be the sequel to my NaNo 2008 novel (Prophecy of the Eternals), currently titled Reign of the Eternals.

It's subject to change.

Now, back to the subject of this post. NaNoWriMo. What tools do I use to make sure this year would be a successful one?

First, I have my laptop of course. Last NaNo, I used Q10 to get most of my writing done (I am very easily distracted), but this year I discovered FocusWriter which is amazing! It's Q10 but better! The timer which also tells you how much you've written in the time you set alone is worth it! I have the theme set up the way I like it, black background with red text. I also love that you can use an image for the background. Really awesome.

Second, I have music. My iTunes and Pandora Radio are godsends. I don't know where my novels would be without them. Music is my main source of inspiration. Finding the right song could lead to discovering the perfect plot twist, perfect line of dialogue, the perfect scene...

(Thank You Hans Zimmer, Craig Armstrong, E.S. Posthumus, Lisa Gerrard, Muse, 30 Seconds to Mars, Dethklok, etc. You all should have a mention in my acknowledgments.)

Third, I have my Redbull. I LOVE Redbull. I drink it and it's like I'm awake. Sometimes I feel buzzed, but for the most part I just feel not-sleepy anymore and that is awesome. All other drinks give me a weird feeling, but not Redbull! *nuzzles* I also have green tea, which I drink every morning.

Fourth, are my commitment posters. I have a calendar, telling me my days, I have my daily and weekly NaNo goals, and my NaNo schedule. I also have a print out of the email nanowrimo.org sends us participants at on the 30th of October, charting out your NaNoWriMo journey.

Needless to say, I'm very clear on what needs to be done to win NaNoWriMo. All that's necessary now is to take action and DO IT.

Fifth, I have my writing buddies from Wriye Forums and Absolute Write Water Cooler through IRC and AIM chat for encouragement and companionship in this crazy adventure.

This is my attempt at getting back into "Writing is for Fun!" mentality. And writing SHOULD be fun. It shouldn't be a means to an end (unless that end is entertainment and fulfillment). It shouldn't be just to get the agent and get published so I can quit the job I hate. That's just the bonus benefit.

I would read comments and posts about people so frustrated with the publishing process, about how long it takes and how hard it is. Impatient as I am, I also got very frustrated with it all too and understood why people self-published. But then I decided to do this with a different mentality.

My novel is for me. For my own pleasure, pride and satisfaction I will make it the best it can be. After writing, revising it, getting feedback and polishing it to a shine, I will be happy with that. Those who want to read it, such as my friends, need only to ask and they can read it. I will go and seek out agents to publish, but if it doesn't sell or get any attention, then that's okay too.

That's their loss of an opportunity. I've lost nothing. I'm still where I was before I queried. So there's no need to be upset. Nothing has changed.

If my novel never sells, then it shall be cherished on my shelf for my own amusement and my friends as I write the next one that might have better luck (which it should just by all that I've learned from the previous one alone).

From that mentality, I never lose. There is no stress. It becomes easier. I still have my inner critic nagging me at the change and I still keep switching back to the I MUST BE PRODUCTIVE/MAKE MONEY/GET PUBLISHED mentality occasionally, but it takes practice to change a way of thinking and doing something.

I'm simply progressing through my always changing journey through life. It's really exciting and fun.

So to all who are doing NaNoWriMo this month and to all those who are simply doing what they were born to do...

Have Fun!

Going on a Writing Diet

2010-08-18T14:30:00.001-04:00

I may have to give up roleplaying and I suppose blogging as well, though it wasn't like I was blogging much anyways.

A while ago, I read a blog post (I don't remember which unfortunately) about, I believe, how inside of true writers we have a writing quota of a sort. There's an amount of words that we NEED to put down. If we don't, it's like hunger. We start suffering. (These are my own words, by the way, on how I understand it).

But the problem is, what we write to fill in this quota doesn't necessarily have to be the story or novel you've been procrastinating on for months. There's still that immense fear of failure since that writing matters more. Instead, we fill in our quota with easier writing such as blogging or message board posting, or (in my case) roleplaying. Thus, after all this – what I like to call – easy writing, we are full and no longer need to write anymore.

Once the need to write is gone, the chance of making yourself write becomes less.

I proved this (for myself at least) this week when my roleplaying partner went on a short vacation and thus I haven't roleplayed or even talked about roleplaying in a while, my main source for my inner writing quota.

I was still procrastinating on my stories and novel, but as days went by I became more frustrated. Then today, without warning, I just started to write. Out of nowhere and without any resistance.

But as you can see, instead of working on the story that has been sitting on the side for more than a week, I've unconsciously leaned towards blogging instead, which is easier for me. (Humans do seem to always go with what is easiest for them.)

So now I wonder...if I starved myself by not allowing myself to write ANYTHING but fiction and nonfiction I mean to sell, I wonder what would happen...

July Blog Chain Entry

2010-07-21T20:48:00.004-04:00

Recently I decided to participate in a monthly Blog Chain at Absolute Write Water Cooler forums, which involves many bloggers and one topic to write about. This month was to cast your antagonist in a sympathetic light. My turn is up! So here I go!

This is the first time I've written about my writing and even shared a piece of the worlds that solely exist in my head. So consider it a treat!

This topic should be easy for me because I have a soft stop for bad guys who have redeeming qualities, and even more for heroes who were once evil who turned good. So I have many to choose from. I have a bully who is abused at home, I have a psychopath who watched his parents be skinned alive, I have a female villain who had sacrificed everything for a lover who dumped her, and the list goes on.

I think I'll use the story I'm working on right now. This was a prologue until I decided it was unnecessary and scrapped it.

The story is set in a medieval world where flesh-eating demons have brought mankind to the brink of extinction...but it wasn't always like this. Hundreds of years ago, demons were weapons created and bred by humans to be used as weapons for war. The main antagonist comes from this time and this is where her utter hatred for mankind comes from.

This scene takes place all those hundreds of years ago when the antagonist, known later as the Mistress and here as Lilian, was still enslaved.

I hope you enjoy and check out the other participants of the Blog Chain by clicking on the links at the end of the post.

~~~~~

Lilian lodged the end of her pointy tail into the lock. It was the twentieth night since she came up with the brilliant plan. But now—with the end of her tail reduced to a tiny red stub covered in cuts—it didn’t seem so brilliant anymore. Every time she pressed and turned against the intricate metal nooks, she bit back a whimper of pain. Yet her blue diamond shaped eyes—against black where it should be white—held hope. This time...this time it will work.

That night had been particularly bad. The humans had a new experiment that they wanted to try—one that required more blood. It left Lilian weak and docile. Usually she scratched, bit, kicked, burned and spat the entire trip to and from her cage. She was desperate to hurt them enough to slip out of their grasps. Her prison was outdoors, surrounded by a thick forest. All she had to do was escape her cell and dart into a small gap between the trees that formed the compound’s walls. Once in the forest, the humans would never catch her. Never.

There was a noise. Lilian froze. Her milky white skin turned coal black, blending in with the shadows.

"I heard something." Two guards were making their rounds, walking towards the back.

Torches of blue flames flickered light over the stacks of cages and crates, piled high against the tree trunks. They were divided into two sections: the creatures who slept at night and those who slept during the day. Some cages were large with more than one creature inside. Others were small with barely any room for the demons to lift their heads. There were also the crates with only slivers in the wood for breathing. The creatures kept in those had long since gone blind, and the guards held their breath when they passed to avoid the lingering stench of dung.

"Just the nocturnals,” one guard said. “Bloody monsters.”

"Looks like Little Lilian’s finally awake," the other guard said, pointing at the two glowing blue diamonds that glared in his direction, giving her away.

The human grinned. "Took me forever to get her out, but putting her back was a cinch. Wish it was always that easy. I heard Orwell lost a finger trying to get her back in…"

The first human banged the butt of his spear against the bars of Lilian's cage and the demon child scurried to a corner. "Go to bed! It's nearly dawn!"

The clatter was loud enough to wake the diurnals from their slumber next door. They shrieked, roared, hissed and moaned. Their cages shook and rattled. Stacks threatened to fall over from the mindless flapping and clawing and biting of the bars, the beasts going into a collective bloodthirsty frenzy.

"Quiet the lot of ya! Shaddup!" The guard grabbed a torch from a nearby tree and shoved it against the nearest cages. The demons yelped and hid. The blue firelight momentarily lit up their faces—from the grotesque to the strangely beautiful. They went quiet at once.

Satisfied, the guards finally left. Lilian waited till everything was silent and still once more before carefully crawling back to the bars. She looked out. The coast was clear. She slipped her tail through the bars and up to the heavy lock on the cage door again, careful not to make a sound.

Hours crawled by and the sky began to lighten. Lilian’s tail continued to turn and turn, much slowly than before. She was slumped against the bars—barely holding herself upright. Her glazed eyes were half-way closed, heavy with weariness.

Click!

Lilian’s eyes snapped open, startled by the sound. It had been deafening in the silence of pre-dawn. She blinked and looked around, uncertain where it came from. She leaned against the door to better peer outside the bars and it creaked open. Lilian jumped, but her fear quickly turned into wide-eyed amazement. The door was open. It had worked.

She pulled her tail into a tight hug, kissing the sensitive tip, almost letting out a squeal of delight. As quietly as possible, she crawled on hands and feet outside. The grass was cold and damp with morning dew and the wide blue sky stretched above her. Finally! Finally free! She could hardly contain her excitement. But she reminded herself that she was not completely free yet and danger still loomed close by.

“Sister! Big Sis!”

Lilian crawled to the back of her large cage where two forms were huddled tightly together, asleep. One was as small as Lilian, wearing the same filthy earth-colored rags. But this one had yellowish skin and shoulder length brown hair, while Lilian had white skin again and a sheet of silky black hair that reached her waist.

She raised her head, rubbing her large lavender eyes. They were also diamond shaped and stood against black where it should be white. She pouted, grumpy.

“What? It’s almost dawn. Go to sleep, Lilian.”

“Don’t call me that,” Lilian snapped quietly. “And who cares what time it is. I did it, sister! We’re free! We must escape quickly. Wake Big Sis. Hurry!”

But the third demon was already stirring. She was much larger than the other two—almost as tall as the guards--with glimmering light blue skin and chopped red hair that framed her elegant face. The humans had given her a blue dress to wear and often visited her when Lilian and her sister were elsewhere.

It didn’t worry Lilian. Big Sis was special. She couldn’t be hurt by anyone. And now, they were free.

“Big Sis, I did it! I did it.” Pride was etched in her voice as she shook Big Sis awake, eager for her approval and gratitude. “We’ll leave and the humans will never hurt us again. Just like you said!”

Big Sis’ eyes opened. Two misty white orbs turned to Lilian. She appeared blind, but Lilian knew better. Big Sis’ sight could penetrate the heavens.

She lifted her head and whispered, “The door is open. The time has come.”

Lilian’s face split into a grin and she nodded with true zeal. “Yes! Your vision has come true. Now let’s go, before the humans wake.”

Together, they slipped out of the cage and darted across the grass for the forest. But Lilian slid to a halt when an idea struck her. As desperate as she was for freedom, there was something she wanted even more. Enough to risk the very thing she slaved so hard for.

“What are you doing!” her sister hissed, hesitating at the edge of the forest where Big Sis had already disappeared within the dark foliage.

Lilian didn’t reply as she climbed a stack of cages in the diurnal section. She shoved the top crate over the edge and it shattered apart against the ground, releasing the small, blind, bird-like demon inside. Its black wings--deformed and useless from its captivity—flopped about as it let out a blood curdling screech, surprisingly loud for such a tiny creature.

Soon the entire enclosure was engulfed in a cacophony of ear splitting shrieks, roars, hisses and moans. Under it all, Lilian could hear the guards coming. She hid in the shadows between two cages, her fingers tingling with anticipation.

“Bloody hell! Damn thing fell over!” One guard stood watch as the first stabbed the creature with its spear, ending its wail and spilling its lavender blood.

“But how—”

Lilian cut him short by pouncing onto his back, digging her nails into his skin as she climb up to his head, and clawed out his face and eyes. The man screamed, but was silenced when Lilian shoved her fingers into his neck and yanked violently, blood pouring down his front.

Lilian rode the body as it fell to the ground, taken over by uncontrollable giggles. Her mania was cut short when she saw the remaining guard reach for a torch. She knew she wouldn’t reach him time and was ready to flee from the wretched flame when the man screamed. Her sister had jumped, grabbed his arm and bit down on his wrist, the bones cracking under the pressure of her small, powerful jaws. Lilian quickly aided her and soon the screams turned into wet gurgles and then silence.

“Quickly.”

Her hands trembling, Lilian grabbed the guard’s key and threw them to her sister. Taking the keys of the other guard for herself, she started unlocking cages. They worked quickly opening the cages—smashing the crates open since it was easier—and soon the entire enclosure was swarming with bloodthirsty, mindless demons. Those with intelligence like Lilian and her sisters fled into the forest, but the remaining creatures flocked to the rest of the compound.

Their hungry wails alerted the guards, but it was useless. They were outnumbered. The last guard was soon ripped to shreds. The mindless swarm found the doctors’ and mages dormitories next. They were slain in their beds, screaming. A fire breather set the buildings ablaze and soon the entire compound was a bright ball of heat and chaos. It was hell on earth. Shrieks, roars, wails, hisses, moans, and dying screams of demons and humans alike joined in a mad cacophony, the fanfare of the apocalypse.

The sun broke above the horizon in a dazzling display of gold and orange light. Lilian and her sister left when the fires started, and scrambled up the hill where Big Sis waited. They watched the havoc they caused as it continued for hours. The last human scream went silent and a strong wind carried the scent of burnt flesh.

A highly pleased smirk spread across Lilian’s small face. Her eyes—filled with joy—glittered as they reflected the light of the fires down below. She looked forward to the years to come when the choking screams of humans and the sweet smell of their burnt flesh will overwhelm her senses once again.

And it will—again and again.

~~~

Here is the list of participants to the July Blog Chain:

Character Defeats Plot!

2010-07-10T16:11:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I saw the movie "Knight and Day". I knew I was at least going to get a good laugh based on the commercials alone, but I didn't expect it to be so damn entertaining.

Thing is, I don't usually watch this type of movie. I don't usually go for the secret-agent-saves-the-day type of movie. Even less, movies where the plot centers around an object that everyone wants. In fact, this is the first time in a VERY long time I saw a storyline like this. I suppose, it being something I haven't seen in a while also made it feel "new" to me.

But that's not why I loved this movie. And though large amounts of comedy in such a serious action movie was a major plus. The one thing I kept thinking about as I lying in bed later that night was Tom Cruise's character: Roy Miller.

What follows may be considered a SPOILER, so don't read if you want to see the movie!

He was so INTERESTING!

Roy was such a noble hero, but an odd one. He was like a little kid and a grown up wrapped in one. His character grew on me so much that I have this craving to see it again just to see him again!

And it made me realize that as long as you have an interesting enough character(s), the plot really doesn't matter too much. Maybe I should spend more time working my characters to make them as memorable as possible before working to make the plot as memorable as possible.

Imagine having both? Now THAT would be a movie I've love to see.

Domino Effect of Productivity

2010-07-06T20:33:00.002-04:00

I re-discovered the cure for procrastination today. Unfortunately, you have to DO something in order for it to work.

But that's pretty much it. You DO something and once you've done something, any tiny achievement and BOOM, you want to keep on going.

For example, I've been back to my depressed, lazy self for the past few days. But today I made an appointment to be somewhere. Now, while I have no qualms disappointing myself, I hate breaking promises with others. So -- albeit a little late -- I got myself out of bed, took a shower and went out into the world.

The meeting may have been a bust, but I did make a doctor's appointment I've been putting of as a result. With that little check mark done, I went home with the desire to continue being productive.

I think the intensity of that productive feeling increases if what you did was something that you've particularly been putting off for a while and/or it was a MUST DO task.

Feeling great, I managed to clean the kitchen -- the sink is all shiny and everything! -- and my office (which I want to write a whole blog post about one of these days). I've been ignoring my house since I moved back in and unfortunately it's a bit obvious the place has been suffering from neglect. So this is a BIG achievement for me.

Then...I sat down to write. That's when it got a little hard. I wanted to edit a short story to get it ready for a new market I have my eye on. And for some reason, I started to open all the other short stories that would also work for that market if I tweaked them a bit.

That was a rapid fire way of overwhelming myself, but I realized this in time and closed all the files save the one I was originally gonna work on. I then tried to put in some new words, but my inner critic rose to the occasion and chewed me out.

Still, the fact I added over 300 words to that story is a major improvement from writing zilch since...god knows when.

It's not even over yet! This blog post is another check on the neglected to-do list! And I plan on working on my novel right after I'm done here.

And it all started with taking a shower.

So if you find yourself doing nothing when you should be doing something...DO SOMETHING.

The rest will do itself.

A Piece of Me (a.k.a How Metalocalypse Saved Me)

2010-06-26T18:47:00.009-04:00

When I first made this blog, I was determined not to make any post too personal. I didn't want to rant and I didn't want to talk about my personal life. I wanted to stay focused and stay on topic...which was supposed to be writing if I'm correct.

Well, I also planned to update three times a week, so what's one more broken promise?

I'm going to tell whoever will read this where I have been and what I have been doing.

I haven't posted since March. And that post was a weak attempt of a comeback. But here I am again, but what does that really mean? Will I keep posting? Or will this be my last post for a few more months or even years?

To get an idea of what I've been going through, ask yourself: Have you ever committed yourself to something? Anything, like a goal? A resolution? Or even a marriage, I don't know. Something that will change your life forever?

Well, most likely you have. Everyone has at one point in their lives. Did you succeed? Did you fail? How did you take that success or failure? If you failed, did you try again?

In March 2006, my life descended into a very dark place. I was 20. In the darkness, I reached for a light. That light, that sense of hope that pulled me out of the abyss of depression were my dreams.

Thanks to "The Secret" I believed I could achieve anything as long as I went at it with all my heart. I studied it until I pretty much gasped the idea of the "Law of Attraction." I understood it.

Ever since the day, I've been living for my goals.

I must emphasize this. I LIVE for my goals.

Now, I have pretty lofty goals. I pretty much wanted to completely rewrite my personality. So of course, it wasn't going to be easy. I understood that.

But I made progress. A lot of progress. But I fell a lot too. Procrastination, depression, anxiety, obsession, addiction, etc. Whatever the reason, I fell.

I know you're supposed to get back up when you fall, but I think recently I fell one too many times.

The fall had been too serious. My anxiety was running and ruining my life. Despite everything I've learned, I didn't know how to overcome it. So I let it get the best of me. I ran away from my problems that terrified me. I fell. Hard.

I failed all my classes. I left school. I'm no longer studying and I have no income. I have no job. I'm tired of living on this island. And I'm afraid for my health -- well, to be more specific, a certain lump in a certain place in my body has me in a state of absolute paralyzing terror.

Worst of all, I haven't written anything new for months.

I made several attempts to shake it off and get back up, remain positive and keep moving, but it's more like a little wobble. I take a few steps and stumble face down into the dirt again.

I've been doing this sort of shuffle of getting up and falling down and getting up and falling down since the beginning of this year and it came to the point where I couldn't get myself up anymore. I mean, what was the point? I was gonna fall down again anyways. Might as well just stay there.

Thus, my goals started to slip out of grasp. I started to despair. I was not only falling, I was now sinking.

Like I said before, I live for my goals.

Without them, I am nothing.

Thus for the last couple of months, I have been like a ghost. I'm 24, but I may as well been 80, waiting for death to claim me.

My life has lost its meaning. So, how come I'm here?

The most peculiar thing woke me up. I started to obsess over a show I discovered. This is nothing new.

When I get into these depressions, I often obsess and become addicted to a certain form of entertainment (a novel, a t.v. show, a video game, a comic, etc) and do absolutely nothing NOTHING -- not even eat or sleep -- but read, watch and listen to any little bit of media or information regarding the "flavor of the week" (Final Fantasy 12, Fullmetal Alchemist, Skip Beat, Eyeshield 21, D-Gray Man, Night Angel Trilogy, Bartimaeus Trilogy to name a few of my binges over the years).

This time, it was from a peculiar source. An Adult Swim show called Metalocalypse. I started to watch it since I stopped going to bed at normal hours and caught it at 1am.

It was different from anything I've ever watched, and I've always loved things that were different.

It's about a black metal band (I don't even listen to metal!) called Dethklok who are the most famous and popular band in the world. The show is full of stupid humor and mindless violence. But I LOVE the characters. I don't know why. I love comedies that have a touch of seriousness and a subtle yet complex hidden plot.

But what REALLY surprised me was that I also LOVED the music.

So I went online and started watching every single episode, clip, interview, quote and whatever I could get my hands on -- binging heavily on anything regarding this show.

Soon, an old demon woke inside me. The demon that demanded I learned how to play the electric guitar.

Let me explain. I have three demons/passions: music, drawing and writing.

When they wake up, they literally possess me. I can't think of anything else. I want to spend riddiculous amounts of money on materials, books and classes, I want to do nothing else but write, or draw or practice music. Each one I've started and stopped, started and stopped.

I thought I put music -- along with art -- behind me when I decided I was going to concentrate on being a published author. But Metalocalypse has resurfaced this desire. Art has also been nagging at me. Every time I pass by an ad for music or art classes, I take notice and have to force myself to look away.

But now after so long of feeling nothing, I'm passionate again. This one song -- "Black Fire Upon Us" by Dethklok (the episode in Metalocalypse where it plays is also AWESOME) has captivated me utterly. It has nothing to do with the words. It's the sound, it's the feeling it gives me.

It resonates with my heart.

I need to do something. I can't just die without a fight. I can't let this fire that has been re-lit inside me die or go to waste. There's gotta be some way for me to incorporate all three passions into my life in a balanced, simultaneous and consistent way.

There has to be a way to keep myself from losing my focus and purpose in living.

There's gotta be a way to stop falling.

So once again, here I am. I still want to be a published author. That is still my main focus (mostly cause its the cheapest and easiest to practice). So everyday I will do something that says I am a writer.

Hopefully, I'll keep this promise this time ~_^

New Look - Simplicity

2010-03-12T14:57:00.001-04:00

Despite how much I loved my old layout, something was wrong with it and I didn't really have the energy to fix it. So! New simple layout.

Sometimes I wonder if all anyone needs when life gets too complicated or full of turmoil is more simplicity. Make things as simple as possible and things will work out. Is that even possible? Life is full of so many possibilities and opportunities. I often just want to do it all. Big mistake.

So here I am, attempting this one more time and this time i'm going to focus on being as simple as possible.

I know I've been absent for a while, but in case anyone still reads, I want to ask...

When life starts getting overcomplicated, how do you get things back in control?

A Hack Writer

2009-12-03T14:36:00.002-04:00

I've hit a wall in my writing endeavors. Though in the past week, I've been doing really well. I've begun my morning routine again and wrote 500 words every morning for over a week...until yesterday.

At Borders, I saw a book that caught my attention. "On Becoming a Novelist" by John Gardner. Okay, I've heard this guy's name more than once so I figured he was someone who was an amazing writer, thus credible (plus, we share the same last name.).

So I sit down and read a few pages. At first, it was hard cause his long sentences made me drowsy (they always do), but I knew he was saying something important here so I stupidly bought the book.

I wish I hadn't.

The way I interpret what the first chapter is saying is that there are certain traits a writer needs if they wish to be a true novelist. The first one I didn't have; a passion for language. I had none. None at all. Hell, I didn't even want to write till I was in High School and it was the only way I could share the stories that played in my head like movies. I was very content with keeping them there and just telling people, but that wasn't working out. I thought writing was a chore. And lets face it, it is a lot of work.

Then Gardner talks about what he calls "hack writers". They are those who don't really think about the phrases and words they use. It's usually cliches or have the same feeling of cliches. But they are idealistic and don't have no real truth to them. He writes that they can be successful and admired, but they are not true artists. He claims their works wouldn't survive and don't add anything to humanity.

What sucks is that I agree with him. It's true. This is the first time I really came face to face with the Literary vs Commercial Fiction debate. I really didn't think about it till now. But now I totally understand the "elitist's" point of view. The fact is the way I write and the way the stories I love are written aren't going to change the world. They're not really thought provoking. And no way they're going to win any Pulitzer Prizes or impact humanity in any way.

Unless I decide to become a "true artist" and seriously work on my writing style, I wasn't going to impress anybody with my simple (almost lazy) style. My English education has been somewhat limited since I've lived most of my life on island where Spanish is the primary language. It would probably take me years of study, maybe even decades before I'd be "good" enough to publish anything "truly worthy."

But here I was stuck. Did I really want that? Can't I live with just being a commercial fiction writer? Do I really want to put in the tremendous effort to be great, immortal even?

I stopped writing. I was confused...until today.

While at Borders, I bought another book. "Beyond the Shadows" Book 3 of the Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks. It's a dark fantasy about assassins and immortals (and sex. Lots of it). I had already read the book (I read/own the first two books and NEEDED to read the last so I downloaded it, while feeling bad about it), so I bought the third to complete the set and pay my respects to the author.

After reading Gardner's book, I picked up Brent's book and skimmed through it, paying attention to the words and sentences he used.

Sorry, Weeks. It's true. Though the phrasing wasn't cliche, it was simple and had the feeling of cliche. There was no heavy thinking in language or style here. There were no complicated, deep metaphors. No unique word usage. Nothing. This was the type of book Gardner was referring to.

But I realized something. As I was just skimming through the book, more than once I laughed. More than once I stopped and re-read entire scenes again. And more than once I flipped to my favorite scenes to read again.

Goddamnit, the story was entertaining.

That's when it hit me. The first time I heard the name Proust, it was in a writing book. Not just him, Gardner and other writing books refer to these other literary giants that not only have I never heard of, I've never heard of their works either. Yet they were giants? Immortal?

So what about us? What about those who get drowsy when reading long sentences and poetic imagery? What about us who never read a serious literary book? What about us who just want a damn good story? What about us who don't have that big of a vocabulary and can't understand half the big (or small) fancy words that are original and unique?

If I am a hack writer, does that make my readers hacks too? Or worse, stupid? Maybe. I don't know.

All I know is that the types of books I love, the stories that have moved and influenced my writing me over the years, are the types of stories I wish to create. I wish to give those emotions, those feelings to others. I may not become immortal or whatever, but at least I've been true to myself. And that's really what it comes down to.

And that's all I wanted to say.

Consistency

2009-11-16T21:35:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? 520 words of my NaNoWriMo novel.

The return of the word count! Let's see if I don't embarrass myself this time.

I took a good hard look at my writing goals and I realized it doesn't really matter what I produce at the end of the day as long as I produce something.

This isn't new. I've been told this for years and probably those who come across my blog have been told this too before reading it here. But you know, I hear somewhere that repetition is the key to mastery.

I may have a lofty goal. But the goal isn't worth it if it keeps me from writing anything. Habits are more important. Even if I write 5 words a day, if I consistently write those word as at the same time every day, I program my brain into thinking, this is the time I write. And I will write.

Even if I miss my own deadlines or am falling faaar behind, if I can just be consistent, it can't get any worse.

Maybe instead of playing catch up, I should just do my minimum the next day and then when I have a weekend, catch up then. That way I keep my momentum and don't overwhelm myself.

But where and when does quality enter the mix? When is quality becomes more important than quantity?

I'm honestly not sure. Any ideas?

This post is brought to you by the letter for Awareness.

I am aware that I know less than I thought I knew.

How I won NaNoWriMo 2008

2009-11-13T20:14:00.000-04:00

Last NaNo, I stayed focused the entire time.

The complete opposite of what I'm doing now. It's like I've gotten amnesia. So, in an attempt to alleviate this condition and recover my memories, I decided to go back and think of what exactly I did in order to write those 85,000 words.

How I Won NaNoWriMo 2008:

The Snap

On the 9th of November 2008, I was behind by 12,000 words. I was angry at myself cause I had spent that entire year engulfed in self-help, motivational and productivity books and programs and STILL I wasn't getting results.

So I just snapped. I got fed up.

I spent nearly 30 minutes convincing myself mentally that if I don't write this book, I will never write a book, and I will never achieve my dreams. I was using what I learned from Tony Robbins' technique of associating pain to not doing what I needed to do, and then I followed it up by imagining how great it would feel to finish!

Afterwards, I was so motivated that I vowed to write the entire 12,000 words I needed that night... Of course it was early the next day by the time I finished, but the victory did wonders to my self-confidence and motivation.

The Goal and The Reward

Something happened the next night that I personally don't believe was a coincidence.
I checked my e-mail and found a advertisement for the Writer's Digest first ever Editor's Intensive Event. It was set in December and included a 30 min interview with a WD editor who has read the first 50 pages of your manuscript.

I didn't have the money for the trip, but I didn't believe in coincidences.

I jumped at the opportunity. I had enough to register, so I paid for it that moment so I wouldn't lose my seat. BUT, I strictly told myself that I couldn't go and lose my money (they didn't give refunds) if I didn't finish my novel by November 31.

Then I sat down and figured out what I needed to do in order to finish the novel. I did some research and saw that the max word count for fantasy was 120,000. So I calculated what I needed to do to make that goal. In the end, I decided on 3,000 words a day and a 85,000 word goal. Now to actually do it...

The Daily Routine

The idea of failing my goal and losing my money and not being able to visit the USA (which I love, so much) was appalling. So I made a routine and stuck to it.

I was up at 4am every morning. I did Morning Pages for an hour, then write from 5am-8am. I had class at 8am-10am and again at 10am-12pm. After class, I quickly finished whatever words was left from my 3k mark. Then I did my homework. Then I practice basketball (I was on the team). In order to wake up so early and not be a zombie, I went to bed every night around 9-10pm.

This was my ritual, every day I did the same thing. If I somehow failed to meet my words, I'd make it up that night or the next. That month I also spent a lot of time with a new friend (now my best friend) and slept over a few times. In fact, I wrote my final words at her house. She was very supportive and thought I was really cool writing a book and all. More motivation! And I had thought I was a geek...

The Sacrifice

I sacrificed a lot that month. I sacrificed sleep and entertainment. But I also sacrificed something bigger for my dream to be a writer. Like I said earlier, I couldn't afford the plane ticket and hotel reservations in order to go to the event. I didn't have a job and doubted I could get one in less than a month.

I had to get money fast before the ticket prices shot up.

I was/am into a lot of artsy things. One of earlier dreams was to become a musician. I even took a semester as a music major for the violin and piano. At the time, I was very serious and bought a piano and a violin, both of which were very expensive. So I made a decision. I decided to give up my dream of being a musician and focus on my dream of being a published author, like a proof of my devotion, and sold both instruments.

It was a pretty close call and I barely had enough, but I did it.

And on Novemember 29, 2009 at 4:15 am, for the very first time, I finished the rough draft of a novel.

(I had wanted to win a day early just to be safe.)

That's how I did it.

Looking back, it seems to come all down to motivation. The Reason. What I lose by not doing it. What I gain when I do. When this clear and embedded in my mind, everything becomes easier cause I'm not fighting against myself. My mind and body is working with me cause it doesn't want the pain of not doing it.

Interesting. Looks like I found my answer ^_^.

Being Realistic

2009-11-03T20:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not even going to bother putting up my current word count of the day.

When I have more time and life stops being so hectic and stressful, I promise to make more informative and entertaining posts. Also, more consistent ones too. Until then, you get these spur of the moment musings.

Now on today's musing...

I'm an ambitious and honest person. I am honest enough to know that I have great potential (though luckily modest enough not to say this out loud or in public). But I also have some anxiety issues. Like most writers, I have an intense fear of failure (or success; I do then to be self-sabotaging). So my ambition and my fear often go at it like mad dogs.

Unfortunately, fear wins more times than I'd like to admit.

Last entry, I made the ambitious goal of writing 210,000 words in November.

I think I spoke a little too hasty. School has become rather nerve wracking (life in general too) and I'm starting to recognize that perhaps my anxiety issues are affecting my life a bit more than the normal writer/student. Thus, I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. (Dun dun duuun).

So, I've decided that it would be smart to lower my ambitious goal (since I'm very behind as it is) from 210,000 to 90,000-120,000 words. That may still be too high, but I want to at least start and finish one complete novel and I don't believe 50,000 words cut it.

I hate eating my words, but I must be realistic. If you're also like me who bites more than you can chew, please look at your goal and look at your progress. If the over-ambitious goal itself is keeping you from even accomplishing anything at all, perhaps its time to reconsider your goal.

Achieving a small goal is better than failing a big goal.

Take it from me. And besides. A bunch of small goals all lead to one big one: your happiness and sense of fulfillment.

And that's all I have to say today.

To all writers (attempting NaNoWriMo or not)...

Have a great writing day! ^_^

NaNoWriMo - The Hiatus Buster

2009-10-31T09:07:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? Nothing...yet XD. But wrote over 824 new words this week for a writing assignment.

I've been M.I.A. for a while now due to an evil bout of depression and apathy (which I find a much eviler foe for a writer). But I've gotten back in the saddle a few days ago and back with a vengeance!

See, I've decide to join the bandwagon and do NaNoWriMo this year. I did it last year and won by writing over 85,000 words that month alone, finishing my VERY rough draft of my first completed novel. I was very VERY proud of that. Still am.

This year, I've decided to go even more insane and somehow not only write a completely new novel, but finish the rewrite of my old NaNo. Thus...

I plan to write 210,000 words in 30 days!

Dun dun DUUUUN. Crazy. Will I do it? No idea. It's 7k words a day and I know I can do it if I have the right motivation.

Now, I must keep this short because I'm extra busy. I just wanted you to know I'm alive and well and am back. So I'll leave this with two questions.

When you have have a ambitious goal (writing or otherwise) how do you keep motivated and get the job done?

When depression and the "what's the point?" mood settles in, what's your way of snapping out of it?

A Heavy Mind

2009-09-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? Nothing today or yesterday, but 767 words on Tuesday.

...Is not a creative one.

Lately I've been having some problems, mostly regarding money and my current lack of it, which have been weighing heavily on my mind. Despite all my attempts to put it out of my head when I try to write, I think it still lingers in the back and I cannot bring myself to even try to motivate myself.

I feel like my attention should be spent on more important things, or at the very least not on something as hard as writing (especially RE-writing). Doesn't help that I gave myself extremely ambitious goals and I still (for some insane reason) intend to meet them despite how behind I am.

I guess I just don't like to give in.

This is probably why I prefer writing in the very early hours of the day. It's too early to worry about anything because it's do early to do anything about them, but the problems have gotten to the point that even then its hard to focus. Even at night, it feels as if I am burdened with guilt of "why didn't I do more?" or "what am I going to do tomorrow?" or "what will I do if ______ doesn't happen?" etc. Even if I make a plan and put it out of my head, I still feel that lingering stress that doesn't want to leave.

Maybe I'm just down because I missed so many days of writing. I think most writers just don't feel right if they don't get words down in the day. I know my day will be absolutely dreadful if I don't do my Morning Pages.

I suppose the trick is to write when I can (in the morning!) and not be too hard on myself. Even a little productivity is better than none. If it isn't even writing, that's still good. I also had college responsibilities I also had to meet and so it isn't really surprising that I couldn't bring myself to write anything creatively yesterday.

In the end, these are all excuses.

An empty is a productive one.

If I just stop worrying so much about everything and just sit down and write, the words will flow.

I know this. It just feels a bit too hard to do at the moment and I felt like ranting a little.

Don't we all at one point?

(Sorry for skipping a post. That time I actually had homework and ran out of time. Next time though I have an interesting post already planned. An idea inspired during my Morning Pages. ^^)

Originality is Overrated

2009-09-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? 263 words of Chapter 2. Am I officially in a slump?

Got your attention with that, didn't I?

Actually I enjoy originality. I love when a story surprises me in a good way and takes a well-known concept to a whole new level.

But notice how I said taking something already known. Though originality is good, it's near impossible to be the first to create a completely original idea.

Today at class, I was reminded of this. I'm a Communication Major and it was a T.V. Production course. At the end of the lesson about storyboarding, we had to make our own on the spot to see if we grasped the technical aspects of it. So, the professor played on some instrumental music and told us to create.

I listened for a few minutes and I instantly had the picture of a beach in my head. I then saw a woman standing on the beach, waiting. Who was she waiting for? Ah, her boyfriend! He appears and hugs her from behind. The end.

I knew it was nothing special or terribly original, it was the easiest thing I could grasp.

The professor took my paper and asked me what it was out. I told her and suddenly, a fellow student exclaims, "No way! Stop being creepy! That's what I did."

She also made a storyboard about a girl, waiting at a beach...and meets a boy.

And the professor asked who else had a similar idea, and at least one more raised their hand.

But the interesting thing is, I went over to see what she did and besides being a totally better artist than me, her story wasn't exactly the same thing. Her woman was younger and appeared lonely. Then when the boy appears, she looks at him surprised and happy. She rushes to him and hugs him. The end.

Same idea, but done differently. Mine, I had the boy go to the girl and they seemed to be much older, like their twenties. In hers, the girl was the one to hug the boy and they seemed much younger, like teenagers.

I think this happens all the time and it's fine. Many say Twilight and Harry Potter are completely unoriginal, but I disagree (though I didn't read Twilight and I don't really like using them both in the same comparison, but it serves my purpose). True, teenage vampire romances have probably been done a billion times before and a story set in a school for wizards probably done even more.

But its the way they handled it that inspired readers to go crazy over them. The author's unique view turned something that was supposed to completely unoriginal and overdone, into something groundbreaking (the popularity, the sales! They're insane!).

So what do you think? Is it possible to be truly original anymore? Or are we somehow destined to share the same ideas and all we can do is put our own unique spin on them?

Responsibility of Self

2009-09-12T18:24:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? A little over 500 words for Chapter 2.

For the last few days, I've been seeing blog posts about this article written by Josh Olson titled "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script" about aspiring writers asking professionals to read their work and how that's wrong.

A lot of people agree wholeheartedly with his opinion. Well, at least agents and professional writers do from what I've read. I only read agents and author blogs, so maybe there's another view I'm missing out on.

But this has been popping up so much, that I finally read the article and felt a strong opinion about it.

There are some things he said that I totally agree. Mostly the quotes you can find on the previously mentioned blogs or even being twittered around. And I agree with them, but I don't agree with Josh Olson's view on the whole situation.

Most of my life, I've been miserable and it took me long time to figure out how to be happy no matter what. I discovered it and though I've yet to master the art, I am practicing it daily. What is it?

Responsibility.

Olson gives this story about how this bad writer asked him to read this synopsis and how he didn't really want to read it, but would feel guilty because it was a friend of a friend who was asking. The writing was horrible, he agonized over how to critique it, and then after he finally gave the writer a response, the bad writer got insulted. Thus Olson thinks amateur writers shouldn't ask professionals to critique their work for free. For him, that in itself is an insult and a "dick" thing to do.

This is how I understood it anyways.

I felt his words were a little contradictory.

He wrote this: "Because here's the thing: not only is it cruel to encourage the hopeless, but you cannot discourage a writer. If someone can talk you out of being a writer, you're not a writer. If I can talk you out of being a writer, I've done you a favor, because now you'll be free to pursue your real talent, whatever that may be. And, for the record, everybody has one. The lucky ones figure out what that is."

I believe this to be true. But if this is true, then what is the problem? There is no consequence of giving a honest critique because you either helped someone realize he's doing the wrong thing or helped a real writer get better. True, the non-writer may not believe you and feel insulted, but that doesn't matter.

Here is the point of this entry and the lesson I learned on how to be happy no matter what:

Your reaction to other people's words have nothing to do with them.

Other people's reactions to your words have nothing to do with you.

Take responsibility of your own feelings. If you say no (as politely as possible) to reading a person's script or story, it is not you who are making them feel bad. If you're the one who received a bad review, it's not the critic's fault why you feel like crap. And, most importantly, if you say no to a writer and then feel guilty, it's not the writer's fault why you feel guilty.

Do not blame others or yourself. You are solely responsible for the feelings you feel.

There's a difference between blame and responsibility. Blame makes you feel bad or angry. Responsibility doesn't. Feeling responsible gives you power while blame takes your power away. With blame, you can't really do anything about the situation but feel upset, but with responsibility, you're given the opportunity to do something about it.

The only thing I did not like about Olson's article was that he blamed the writer for his situation and not take responsibility. Not only that, he generalized and blamed all the amateur writers that desire feedback or "a pat on the head."

This is the easy way out and though it will probably make you feel temporarily better and feed your ego, it does nothing for your personal growth. Eventually, someone else will do something that will bother you or you will make a choice and pay the consequences of it (which is what happened to Olson). You will get angry and upset...again.

That article would probably never have been written if Olson just said no to reading the script and simply not cared what the person thought. Olson knows he's NOT an asshole (or at least I hope so) and thus, it shouldn't bother him at all. Its the writer's problem, not his.

If he had put himself first, thinking of his work load and what was more important to him, Olson wouldn't have read that "fucking script." This does not make him an asshole. This would have made him a wise human being.

But it's not the writer's fault for asking. The writer, especially this one, is very oblivious to other people. He would not have known Olson was busy, or that he didn't want to read his story, or understood that it put Olson on the spot. If he did, he wouldn't have asked (if he asked while knowing, then he really is a "dick"). But we're not mind readers. We don't know until we ask.

What I'm asking is not easy. Trust me. I know this advice is true and yet even I have moments where I forget and blame others. Its hard to take responsibility of your feelings and, even harder, attempt to change them through will and mind power alone.

It's hard. It takes practice. It will change you forever.

Finally, if amateur writers never sought professional feedback, how will we ever know when we've reached their level or if we're even on the right path? If professionals never give amateurs a chance, how will amateurs ever become professionals?

How can a broke, starving artist ever know he's great if he has to pay someone-who really-knows to tell him so?

If someone wants something from you and it's too much hassle for you, say no. Don't feel guilty. Or experience your guilt without blaming others or yourself.

If you ask for something and they say no or give you something you didn't expect, accept what they give you. Don't feel bad. Or experience feeling bad without blaming others or yourself.

Sometimes it feels good to feel sad or guilty or angry. Sometimes we enjoy it, and that's okay. But once you get enough of it, move on. Don't blame.

If you do this, you will feel so much happier every day or your life.

This I promise you.

Impatience

2009-09-10T12:07:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? ....Does this blog post count?

I'm having trouble getting rid of this belief that I can write a publishable novel and get it published in no time flat. I sometimes think of it like a race, even when I know and tell myself it's about the journey, not the destination. I can't help it.

I really want to get published.

I suppose it's harder because of my financial difficulties. Despite everywhere I left resumes and applied, not a single job has called me back and even my college can't afford the work-study program this year. I applied for a loan, but I'm still waiting for that to go through. My denial will cost me dearly.

If I could just get published, get something money from writing which is easier than waiting around and for a check to arrive in the mail, things will get better. Or at least that's what I want to believe.

But if I listen to the countless of wise and experienced publishing professionals and successful writers, it doesn't work like that. It takes time to get published. It takes time to be successful, no matter how well you write. And then the biggest blow...

It takes time to become a great writer.

I know this. I practice it. I slowed down and started reading my writing books which had been collecting dust for some months now. I enrolled in a writing course and started writing short stories, which I think is great practice.

If I feel like I'm progressing, even a little bit, the feeling is amazing and it can go on forever for all I care.

But when bills pile up, and I read really great writers and how far I have to go, and dream every night of greatness, I sometimes wish it would all just go faster or better. At least, I wish I could know if I'm getting anywhere.

This is why I believe a writing partner or critique group is very important. Even a friend or spouse who is in love with your writing is a godsend for a writer's struggle. It's easier to write or work for others than to write and work for yourself. They keep you going for the long run.

Patience is key.

Patience is necessary.

I think the reason there are more successful authors in their 30s, 40s and 50s than in their 20s and under, is because the older you get, the more patient and dedicated you become.

I hope one day I can learn this lesson early from my many teachers (from the books and blogs I read) and learn to go with the flow...

...even when at times it seems like a trickle.

Starting Your Day Right

2009-09-08T09:30:00.000-04:00

What did I write today? The first 5 pages of revised Chapter 2 of my novel.

This entry is brought to you by the following realization.

It's easier to start the day on the right foot than it is trying to fix a day gone wrong.

This weekend was long and relaxing. Due to a storm warning, I didn't have class since Thursday. That gave me Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday to be productive and write like mad. However, despite all my free time...

I only wrote a pitiful five pages.

(Though if you go by word count, it was a whopping 1,548 words).

I can blame the fact that my younger brother called me and we haven't hung out in so long that I drove the two hours to go see him, saw a movie with him and his friends and then had him sleep over my place. Needless to say, I was distracted. But most of those things took place around or after noon.

So what about the hours before?

I'm most productive in the insane hours of the morning. In fact, my alarm always goes off at 4am in the morning with the intention of writing at around 5am. Unfortunately, my body sometimes doesn't like being dragged out of bed while it's still dark out because I went to bed too late, or I just had a great dream and wanted to finish it. And that's when it all goes wrong.

The minute my morning routine doesn't start the way I like, all productivity goes down the drain for the rest of the day.

I cannot concentrate. Everything distracts me. I spend my hours procrastinating and surfing mindlessly on the Internet, reading blogs and re-reading my e-mail. Even when I realize my behavior is totally unacceptable, I can't seem to snap out of it. I have already convinced my mind that it's another day off and it's having nothing to do with writing or work or anything hard.

If I do salvage the day, it's usually late at night when I force myself to write something before going to bed...thus going to bed late...then waking up late and repeating the cycle.

But this doesn't always happen. I often have great productive days! And today is turning out to be one of them. It's because I started it right.

Step One. Start the night before.

Sick of my lack of productivity, before going to bed last night, I mentally pumped myself up for the day before. I reaffirmed all my goals, visualized them complete and remembered why they were so important to me.

This makes you eager to wake up on time the next day and be productive.

I must have done something right cause that night I even dreamed I was writing.

Step Two. Have a Morning Routine.

Before getting to work, I have a ritual. I write my Morning Pages (Invented by the great and wonderful Julia Cameron in her work"The Artist's Way"), write down all that I'm grateful for, read my goals, write affirmations, visualize my goals completed and read or listen to a chapter of a spiritual book (I just finished listening to the audio book of "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepra Chopra).

This sort of routine is also referred to as a daily appointment with yourself by Scott "the nametag guy" Ginsberg.

It can be anything you want to do that gets you motivated and focused.

After that, I'm pumped up and ready to work! Sometimes I get weak and check my email quick before getting started, but I refuse to let myself do anything more than that until I've written for at least an hour.

But I realized that after this great pick me up in the morning, my day sort of fizzles out by the afternoon. So I discovered a new habit!

Step Three. Mid-Day Pick Me Up.

I'm a spiritual person, so I practice meditation. Since I sometimes fall asleep if I meditate right after I wake up, I started doing it during the afternoon. This is a great opportunity to remind myself of my goals and commitments! I can take an hour, thirty or fifteen minutes to simply repeat what I did in the morning.

Again, this can be whatever you'd like, as long as it pumps you up and keeps you positive and focused on being productive. It doesn't even have to take long.

We all need a reminder now and again about why we do the crazy things we do.

So basically, it's a new cycle. This time a positive cyle that creates productivity. You pretty much repeat the same thing once at night, then in the morning and again in the afternoon. I think it's a great way to start the day right and keep it that way.

Do you have a morning routine?

Please let me know in your comments. I'm always curious to see how others start their day on the right foot.

-Till next time.

Just Do It.

2009-09-01T15:30:00.000-04:00

I always wondered what is more important; your sanity or getting the work done.

Deadlines are important for writers working with a editor or just themselves. They help us be focused and adds pressure. But when you're writing on your own, when do you know you're pushing yourself too hard? How do you know your time line is insane and impossible, like say revise an entire novel in a month?

The answer I always find is: "it depends on the person." Meaning, it's up to us to decide.

But when you keep missing the deadline and never seem to ever finish the daily to-do list, is it because we're not pushing ourselves hard enough or did we set the bar too high?

I think I've finally found the solution to this problem of mine! I'm going to push myself till near the brink of death to finish everything I said I was going to for the day. Get it done even if it means missing sleep for a few days. At the end, if I'm barely standing or conscious, then its most likely I'm biting too much than I can chew. If I feel great and productive, then obviously I have to push myself and I can.

All it comes down to is action. I can second guess myself forever, but I'll never come to a decision unless I just shut up and do it.

Cold Feet

2009-08-21T21:43:00.000-04:00

A lot of people assume that it's much easier to talk to someone online than it is in real life. I have lived by this assumption for years and until recently, would agree that it's true. But ever since I decided that I wanted to be a published author, suddenly it wasn't so easy anymore.

Ever since I learned the word "platform", saying something online has become a stressful event. What if someone important reads it? How does it make me look? Will it hurt my chances at being taken seriously?

I've suddenly become terrified of not only blogging, but of talking to new people I discovered online. Especially successful people who I admire and wish to become friends with in order to learn everything they know.

This blog is born out of that fear, and it almost never existed for the same reason.

It's similar to when you have a new story idea. It's amazing! Everyone will love it! Finally, I have something to say! A fresh new start! But then...what if I can't do it? What if I write it and no one gets it? What if it comes out as childish, mediocre dribble? Or worse, what if it's ignored?

But like writing a novel, I can't let that fear get to me. I'm a writer. If I don't write, I'm nothing.

Of course, I don't have to blog. I just really want to. But what if I'm not good enough? What if no one reads it? What if my message doesn't get across?...etc etc.

I want to create a blog that expresses myself in a professional light. I have something to say, something to offer, and I want you all to receive it. You can't if I'm unfocused, unclear, narcissistic or inconsistent. My fear of coming across like any of those negative traits is why I've decided to start this blog.

My fear of failing is why it took me so long to post this first entry.

But again, like a novel, I can't let fear stop me. I won't. And no one else should either.

And that's all I wanted to say.

Also that this post is dedicated to Divining the Words , a blog by a fellow writer which inspired me to finally suck it up and get my feet wet. His blog is beautiful and full of honest advice for writers. I highly recommend it. So, thanks David ^__^